Dear Ambassador Todt

ARCHIVES 2009

By admin-s On May 21, 2009

Hi there. It's me again. Your friendly, average and simple Malaysian with no entitlement. I hope you are keeping fine. Please do. Because Malaysia, quite obviously, needs a French like you to be her Ambassador.

By Art Harun (ARTiculations)

You know, actually, there were a couple more persons who were considered to be the Ambassador of Tourism. Dato' Shah Rukh Khan was one of them. But his propensity for not attending ceremonies, even when they were organised to ceremon-ised him, caused his disqualification.

I heard Hee Yit Foong, the lady ADUN from Perak, was also considered for this job. My inside source however told me that her inclination towards carrying morphable key-chain and pepper spray was a negative aspect causing her nomination for the job adversely affected. The final nail on the proverbial coffin was apparently struck when she was asked to orally shout a slogan to promote tourism and she instantly and very distinctively said "Come to Berak". Needless to say Mr Ambassador, you got the job.

You must be happy. I am too, if I were you. But unfortunately I am not you. You know, it takes people like Jamaluddin Jarjis years and years of being involved in politics and serving the peasants of Malaysia as a Minister before he would even be considered to be an Ambassador. Even then, he still hasn't got the job. But you got the job just 2 weeks after you became a 2nd hand Malaysian! Aren't you proud Mr Ambassador? I betcha! That is even faster than a Brawn GP car. (sorry, I wanted to say faster than a Ferrari, but …. well, you know what I mean).

One piece of reminder though. Please don't go about pinching some young asses in some bar, okay. The mere fact that you are an Ambassador does not mean that you could do that with impunity. Furthermore, I am sure Ms Yeoh would not be happy if you did that.

The word is Malaysia and France are now even. No, I am not talking about football. Because in football terms we are quite obviously not even. I mean, Platini, Le Blanc and Barthez could even play in the team with their balls collectively tied up together against our team and I am sure we would still lose by 13-1. And even then, the goal which we score would have been scored when Barthez was taking a ciggy break and Platini was having an impromptu prostate check. No. In football we are not even, quite obviously.

What I am talking about is this. We have a miserable singer who can't sing very well in France. He is Datuk Shake. And France has a guy who can't really drive well over here to become an Ambassador. Yes. 1-1. Even. That's what I mean.

If you must know Mr Ambassador (or is it Your Excellency? I mean our Foreign Minister addressed the US State Secretary as one the other day), Malaysia is truly Asia. We have people who behave like some Iranian Ayatollahs here. In fact, if you go to some of our government school, you would think you are in Iran.

And some women here behave like Imelda Marcos. In addition, there is a bit of Sultan Brunei in some of our royalties. Then sometime we have the FRUs, policemen and army lining up the streets like the Thai or South Korean army and police (although in Thailand they do that because there were thousands and thousands of protesters on the street whereas in Malaysia there were only people having breakfast in a restaurant and burning some candles on the pavements!).

We also have people who behave like Ferdinand Marcos and Suharto in Malaysia. And the Tamil tigers are also here, apparently. We also have quite strong traces of the Talibans here, even in the Parliament sometime. Try bringing a Bible in Malay and I am sure you will be meeting these. Added to that, Malaysia also are very closely connected to Bangladeshis, Burmese, Indonesians, Vietnamese and what have you. Apart from that, there also appear to be many Chinese babes from China in KL, especially at night.

In our administration, our Anti-Corruption Commission (MACC) and its empowering law is loosely based on the Hong Kong set up. But of course, implementation and enforcement wise we are different la.

There you go. Without doubt, Malaysia is indeed truly Asia.