Kami tak kow tow, kau tau?
Art Harun
To all Singapore Malays, I am writing this to tell you how lucky we all are in Malaysia. You think you all are so great, you sure have not seen how greater we, Malaysian Malays, are.
What you think? You think Johor Bharu is a place full of thieves, kidnappers and gangsters don’t you? Well, I wouldn’t blame you. Because that is what your ex-Prime Minister cum your Senior Minister cum your Minister Mental said. He did not like Malaysia because he was jealous of our success, peace and tranquility. And so he said that in an affidavit in a court proceeding. As Singapore Malays, you of course have to kow tow to your Supreme Leader and so you agreed with him, in’it? In’it?
I am sure you don’t really agree with him but you cannot say so, in’it? Because you can’t really say anything in Singapore, especially when what you wanted to say would go against what your Supremely Total leader said, in’it? Can you?
Well you know something? We Malaysian Malays can say anything we like. Of course we cannot insult Islam lah…kalau insult Islam we kena lah. But a bit only lah, not like you all in Singapore. We would only be detained without trial under the Internal Security Act. Then most probably we would have to leave Malaysia and live elsewhere. But you see, we don’t have to kow tow like you all. That’s the point, get it?
Hmm…do you know that Kia has launched a new car? Yes. It’s called Kia Soo. LOL!!!
Allow me now to continue to write in proper Queen’s English. Because my Singlish attempt in the foregoing paragraphs is really pathetic, as you could see. That is because we Malaysian Malays are taught Maths and Science in proper English. Because of that, we Malaysian Malays are so proficient in English although we are not as good as you are in Maths and Science.
The purpose of my writing this letter to you is to tell you that we, the Malaysian Malays, do not have to kow tow to anybody. We are the best Malays in the whole world. The luckiest Malays in the whole world. And the most successful Malays in the whole wide world, including the cyber world. Any other Malays, from any other country, or part of the world (including the cyber world), are just not as good or successful as us, the Malaysian Malays. They are simply at the tenth place out of ten. We, the Malaysian Malays, for your information, occupy the first nine places. That is how good we are.
I tell you what. We have a Malay astronaut. Here he is known as AngkasaOne. We even have a reserve astronaut. He is also Malay. He is known as AngkasaTwo. Don’t ask me why we mix a Malay word for “space” with an English word for the first two numbers to call them two astronauts. Perhaps that is because we want to impress that we are taught Maths in English. Yes, that must be it. Now, you all in Singapore do not have any AngkasaOne do you? See? We are better than you. And we do not have to kow tow to anybody.
We also swam across the English Channel, fully protected from jelly fish in a cage. And we have a Datukship for that. You all Singapore Malays got like that one ah? Mana ada? Of course later they was a Chinese boy who swam without the protective cage and even much faster than us the Malaysian Malays, but he did not get Datukship, you see. So we are better. And we did that without having to kow tow to anybody. You all. You kow tow also cannot do like that one, for sure (my Singlish is getting better, eh?)
Than we also have many big Malay businessmen in Malaysia. Our national carrier, MAS (not Malay Airline System, it’s Malaysia Airline System, mind you), was owned by a Malay. He made MAS the best. And one of the biggest. So much so that when he left, MAS was in such a solvent state that it could spend RM1.55 million to buy some paints in various colours splashed over some white canvas and put them in the Chairman office. And we did it without having to kow tow to anybody, kau tau?
We also have Malay businessmen who built highways from the north way up to the South. Now, had your government agreed, we would have extended that highway to your small ciku state via a second causeway. But true to your kiasu attitude, being jealous of our success and achievements (especially because we have several excellent national cars and the fact that we now have not one, but two, submarines – which mind you, can now dive in tropical waters – and also the fact that we run the “hottest race on Earth” – which is to be renamed “the monsoon-est race on Earth” – once a year), your government don’t agree to that proposal. But we always have a way. We will build a crooked and very scenic bridge on OUR side. Padan muka you all! We cannot build a straight bridge, we would build a crooked one.
