1st World Summit of Everything First

ARCHIVES 2010

By admin-s On Oct 22, 2010

By Art Harun

Keynote address by the 1st Chairman.

Ladies and gentlemen, firstly, it gives me great first pleasure to welcome all of you, the first ever delegates to the FWSoEaAF, the 1st World Summit of Everything and Anything First.

I am, as all of you would have firstly noticed, the 1st self elected Chairman of this 1st World Summit.

Allow me to firstly tell you what this 1st World Summit is all about.

Ladies and gentlemen, all of us would remember anything and everything first, wouldn’t we? Our first kiss. Our first sexual intercourse. And to an unfortunate few of us – or fortunate, depending on which side, front or back, we are on – our first sodomy. I mean, there are people who do not even bath or do the big business for two days after their first sodomy. That is how important and memorable our first experience is.

Rod Stewart says, the first cut is the deepest. And of course, the first sodomy could be the tightest. I digress.

With full realisation that the first will always be the most memorable and important – and hopefully would never be the last – this summit is organised to celebrate everything and anything first. Welcome therefore to the 1st (ever) World Summit of Everything and Anything First.

Some of you might want to firstly know why my country is hosting this 1st World Summit. Well, the answer is simply because we are trend setting. We hold record after record of the world’s first ever this and that.

Consider this firstly.

We are the first to have a fugitive who apparently ran away from our country – allegedly frightened by the misdeeds that he had done – and who nobody apparently knows where he is although he is not in any way hiding from anybody. He is definitely the first ever fugitive who is not hiding.

He could be seen on the internet, in reports and videos, attending seminars and giving lectures. Hotshots have even gone to his house to have dinner with him and his family. However, our authorities are at a lost as to where he exactly is. And this is the same authorities which could track semen from some asses even when there was no “clinical finding” of penetration of the very same ass. That’s a world first I am sure.

Speaking of semen, we are also the first country with medical forensic experts who think semen in an ass, without “clinical finding of penetration” constitutes evidence of anal sex.

That means, firstly, there could be anal sex without penetration. Then, it also means that semen from Malaysians could not only swim but also fly upon ejaculation right into an asshole. That, I am sure too, is a first.

In case you all hadn’t noticed, we are also the first to have the tallest twin towers. Yes. Not one, but two tallest towers in the world. Speaking of which, we are now going to build another one, which will be taller by 11 storey than the twins.

Which brings me to another first. Yes. We are the first to include an erection into our national budget. This erection is not the government’s. It is the private sector’s erection. Our Honourable Prime Minister has said it – that it is not his idea but the idea of Permodalan Nasional Berhad. However, it is included in the government’s proposed budget. How and why? Don’t ask me. I do not have the first clue. Whatever it is, our national budget is the first to include the erection of a building in it.

To top it up, we are also the first country to have come out with a video guide to committing suicide by self strangulation. And we are also the first to propound the ground breaking and earth shattering rule that every forensic pathologist who theorises a death by a fall from high buildings must firstly experience such a fall before making such a theory. Soon, we will pioneer a rule to say every forensic pathologist must first die before making any theory on the death of any person.

While talking about our government initiatives, one cannot miss the fact that our government is the first when it comes to coining acronyms. We have so far had NKRA; GTP: 10MP; ETP; NEM; SRI and finally NKEA. If Minister Idris Jala later introduces the Integrated Key Economics Agenda, I am afraid IKEA would take umbrage and refer the matter to the KLHC, namely, the Kuala Lumpur High Court.