Malaysian Sejarah Syllabus
Written by dUMNO
Salam Salam, Kueh Talam, Datuk Seri, Batuk Seri, Nenek Seri, NON-NONs, NONs dan Opung-opung seklian.
Memang tergembira dan bangga kerana saya dapat memberi segelintir ngintipan pada Syllabus Sejarah Malaysia. Demi manfaat NON yang memang bodoh sekali saya akan menterjemahkan Ucapan saya kepada Bahasa Buleh. See!! We, the NON Nons sacrifice so much for you!!! You ungrateful NONs!!
It has come to my knowledge that there are conflicting details in History. I will therefore explain to you samseng-samseng what really happened. If you like my speech, then you can thank me, and start a Fan-Club in my name, but if you don’t like my speech, then you MUST blame the Stupid Dr. KKK!! Yes?
The pendatang fella from Palembang, who came to Malaysia in 1403, was Adam. He was NOT Paramesonofasamsengfrommajapahitwhorunawayfastfast. He was Adam. And his wife’s name is Hawa. Only the bloody stupid Jews call her Eve. How can they be so stupid? Eve and Hawa are so different-leh!! You never hear anyone saying Eve-Dingin, right? It’s Hawa-Dingin, you dum-dum NONs!! Anyway, the world began when Allah made Adam, and the Garden of Eden is in Palembang. It’s still there today. It’s called Taman Bunga Medan. You can go there to take pictures of the Glorious Durian Tree, which Allah told Adam and Hawa NOT to eat. Unfortunately, that stupid woman tak boleh tahan, and HAD to eat the durian. Proving once and for all that Medan Durian is the BEST durian in the world!!! You see, even the Durian is Malay.
So, the concept of Ketuanan is this. The Malays are the MOST important race in the world!! Everyone else is inferior, especially the Arabs!! They have a much more interesting dance called Belly-dancing, while we only had Dangdut. Cheh!!! Inul was not born yet, unfortunately, so we made do with the Pendet, the dance which the bloody Balinese copied. Same for RASUAH Sayang. Which the stupid Indonesia copied. Speaking of copied, they even copied our Batik, and is now made their National Heritage!!! DAMN!!! The Malays are go great, that even the Hindus copied our Ramayana Wayang Kulit, and the Javanese copied our Kuda Kepang!!! Someday, we will RAMPAS it all back from them!!!
Anyway, from Adam, in Malacca, decided to build a tower so tall that it reached heaven. Unfortunately the Red tape of DBKL decided to tarik-balik the permit because Highland Towers just collapsed, and the workers disbanded, and spread to the rest of the world, Bullshit all these Theories about the Out-of-Africa. Malays were the epicenter of the World. It was years later that the Mamak decided to build a tower to reach the Heavens.
Jibby now wants to build the second tallest tower in the world. The first is his personal Linggha (shhh don’t say I told you). The Malay Language was so powerful and good, that so many Languages in the world copied us!! As such, the Portuguese copied 15% of Malay, the Belanda (ayam and durian) copied 12%, and the rest is copied by the Arabs, the Persians, Tiong Hua, and even Pali and Sanskrit copied the Malay Language!! It’s a pity the Stupid Arabs learnt to read and write first, so the Qura’an was written in their Language. No problem!! We, the NON-NONs then sent our JAKIM Boys to Mecca to build the Ka’aba coz the Arabs were too busy with their Belly Dancing, and Shisha smoking!! Damn fools don’t know, that eating Dodol-Durian is so much more fun. Pordah.
So, from Putrajaya, all the people went to the far corners of the World, and decided to speak other Languages because they were too shy to use Malay, and also because they are Inferior to Malays!!
The Portuguese? Those idiots came to our land, pretending to sing like Buskers, and then suddenly decided that they wanted PR in Malacca!! Numbskulls then insisted that they be given Bumiputra Status. But since we, the NON NONs are so nice, decided to grant them Bumi Status. We decided to take away the Bumi-Status of the Babas and Nyonyas instead coz they wouldn’t jilat our pantat. Fortunately Saiful does, and he is now a National Hero.
Anyway, those Malays who were good at cooking Tom Yam decided to live in Thailand, and those Malays who liked frozen fish, decided to move to the Artic Circle. YES!! Thais and Eskimos are ALL Malays!!! But they don’t have ANY Ketuanan whatsoever.
And then you have all these stupid Indonesians, who now decided to come home to Malaysia. I tell you how stupid they are. Firstly, in Indonesian, the Songkok is for Women!!! And the Pechi, which looks like our Songkok is for Men!!! Even the retarded Sukharno decided to copy OUR Songkok!! HELL, even Nehru from India decides to copy our Songkok!! The stupid Indonesians think that by calling it a Pechi, we wouldn’t know!!! We have Ketuanan!! We know EVERYTHING!!!! YES!! Absolutely!! We even know TOMORROW’s Lottery Numbers!!! YES!! Our friend Visitor-Tan chooses the numbers the day before. Otherwise how to make money lor? Don’t tell anyone I told you this. Ya, I give you what you want, and you give me what I want, yes? You scratch my crotch, and I scratch your girlfriend. Can? hahahahaha
Now, Malays were the first person to go to space. YES!! Dr. Sheikh Muszaphar Shukor went to space even before Neil Armstrong was born!!! This televised trip is only his second trip. Botox keeps him looking young, just like Khinzir Toyol. On the first trip, he made ketupat and satay in space, proving once and for all that Satay and Ketupat is the best food you can find in Space. NASA should learn from us, NON NONs.
Now, most don’t realize that the name Sheikh means that he is of Arabic origin, and that his great-great-great-great grandfather was the Prophet. The Prophet is ALSO a Malay!!! And the Arabs liked Malay names so much, that they changed all their names to Malay names!!! See Ketuanan all over again! Anyone who teaches you different, should Pordah!!!
Except of course, if you are a teacher who says BAD things to Skool Kids. Did I spell Skool wrongly? NO WAY!! If I spell Skool as s-k-o-o-l, then it becomes SKOOL. Because of Ketuanan, the entire world copies us NON NONs!!! Even the dumb Americans call it Television, when they heard that we had televisyen, and same for talipon, and handfon, and Komputer!!! All these are Malay words!! I am telling you!! Everyone wants to be Malay!!! Even people from Kerala want to be Malay. Same for the Bugis, the Javanese, the Acehnese, the Yemenni botaks, and so on. There is NO END to people wanting to be Malay!! The only degil ones are the Balinese. They think their Hinduism is so great!! They also think that their National Food, the babi Guling is so terrer!!!
Lastly, I give you a short test, and see how you fare:
1) Who is Bapak Malaysia
a) Chin Peng
b) Lee Kuan Yew
c) Mahathir Mohammad
2) Adam and Hawa is
a) Malay
b) Melayu
c) dUMNO
3) Who founded KL
a) Tok Janggut
b) Tok Bongkok
c) Mahathir Mohammad
(special note: Yap AH Loy is disqualified because he did not have his MYKAD to prove that he is Malaysian)
4) Who founded Putrajaya
a) Mahathir Muhammad
5) What is Ketuanan Melayu
a) National Anthem
b) Rukun Negara
c) Federal Constitution
6) Who is NON?
a) Pendatang
b) dan lain-lain
7) Who votes for dUMNO?
a) Dead People over 100 years old
b) Dead People under 100 years old
c) Gomen Employees
d) Military
e) Police
f) GLC Employees
g) All of the above
8) Lim Kit Siang is
a) Communist
b) Traitor
c) A Trouble-Maker
d) A Samseng
9) Anwar Ibrahim is
a) A Pain-In-The-Ass
b) Saiful’s Boyfriend
c) Saiful’s Girlfriend
d) RPK’s Friend
10) The future of Malaysia is
a) dUMNO
b) Barisan Nasional
c) all of the above
For additional examination questions, CLICK HERE.
One thing for sure though, we, the NON-NONs will stay in Power no matter what happens!!! We have enough dead voters and postal votes, and disqualifications, which will guarantee our success till Kingdom come!!! And you NONs can kiss my fat ass for all I care, or I’ll make you all jump out of the 14th floor!! 100% and NOT 80% as the stupid Dr Tun Pornthip says!!!
Now don’t disturb me, I need to go and spend some more fresh money from the newly raised Petrol, Sugar and Salt Prices. See you next Price Hike.
