The Asstro Interview
Art Harun
PMA: Hello everyone, I am Paula Malai Ali, and welcome to the pilot programme of “Money, and Nothing Else Matters.” Our special guest tonight is Mr Art Harun, a not too well known cynic-at-large. Hi Art, can I call you Art? Welcome to the show. Gosh, you are looking kinda hot…”
AH: Thank you. Yea, I am feeling hot. Is your air-cond working? And yea, you can either call me Art, or call me later, I am cool with that, yes yes..
PMA: Ooops, sorry, we had a power failure for 8 hours just now and power was just restored and I guess the air-cond needs time to power up.
AH: Oh, okay. “Nothing Else Matters” huh? That’s a Metallica song, in’it?
PMA: Erm….Metal-lick who?
AH: Oh, never mind…
AH: Paula, before you start asking me questions, can I ask you a question? Who produces this programme?
PMA: Oh, it’s a pilot show by Asstro, your ultimate best-in-the-world cable TV. Enjoy Asstro’s new product Art. It’s called “B-yawn.” It redefines the word “reruns.” Oh dontcha just love reruns Art? If you do, subscribe to Asstro’s B-yawn now. Missing In Action is being rerun-ed now. So is American Ninja 1, 2 ans 3. For the 89th time, mind you.
AH: Oh, Asstro B-yawn eh? Isn’t re-running old movies too many times some sort of a con-job?
PMA: No, no. Asstro is not a con-job. In every cable TV, there must be re-run. I mean, cable TV is invented to make re-runs cool, didn’t you know that?
AH: As I remember it, Asstro says they will not have commercials. But now it is full of commercials every 15 minutes on all it’s channels? How come?
PMA: Oh err…err…let’s get on with the interview shall we? You know, the interview where it is ME who is supposed to ask you questions?
AH: Oh, okay. By the way, you are hot Paula. You are so hot in that checkered thingy….
PMA: Oh mah Gawd, Oh mah gawd, OMG. How did you know. Gosh, I am so …
AH: Err… why are so jumpy? I meant to say you looked great in the Checkered Flag programme.
PMA: Oh, heheheh… Oh my God, I though you saw me in my checkered undies. Good grief. Thank you. Okay. Let’s get on with it. Art, what’s your opinion on Taib Mahmud’s decision to step down as Sarawak’s Chief Minister after the Sarawak election next week?
AH: Oh, erm…you know I heard Taib Mahmud became Chief Minister in 1872 or something. I mean I admire that guy you know. He and his strength. Married a young wife some more. He is the man, Paula. Da man. I am sure he is so full of semangat you know. He made old people fashionable you know. I don’t think he should resign just as yet. He should continue until, erm…until Malaysia enters the football World Cup final maybe, you know. Maybe until Sarawak hosts the World Cup final even, you know. Sarawak and Sarawakians still need his leadership you know. And patronage too you know. Really he shouldn’t. I am gutted to hear the news. Really.
PMA: About three weeks ago he said he was going to leave in about three years time because he needs to ensure a smooth transition and a proper leadership to replace him, Art. Why do you think now, three weeks later, he wants to leave after next week?
AH: Oh well Paula, in politics three weeks is a long long time you know. Maybe his new wife wants him to spend more time with her you know. Or maybe he wants to concentrate on his businesses. Or maybe he sensed that some people want him to go. But that can’t be you know. I mean, who would want him to go right? He’s such a great leader. He has brought untold wealth, richness and welfare to Sarawak. I mean, look at them in Sarawak. Fuiyoh, look at all those gravel stone “highways” and all the forest which have been cleared for development and those, those, those, errr…what else, those nice long houses with water from the wells, err…those…er…you know what I mean lah Paula. Those Sarawakians shouldn’t be such ingrates you know. Say thank you la to him by voting for him. Show some gratitude lah.
PMA: You know Art, people say he is worth billions. He and his family own businesses and properties around the world which are worth billions. What do you say about that?
AH: Hey, just because he is the Chief Minister doesn’t mean he or his family members cannot do business no? You mean they cannot own property ah? Where got fair one like that? You know, it just so happens that his family members are great businessmen lah. That’s how they make money. So, give him some credit lah. He’s made his money through sheer brilliance and great business acumen la okay. Give him a break okay.
