When the Lord spoke to the chosen people

Nana Kassim

Out of the more than seven billion people in this world, God recently chose to speak to two people. And both on the same day! And both these people are from Penang! Can you beat that? And in the spirit of fairness, both sexes were represented amongst the multitude.

That goes to prove that what Umno has been saying all along is true: LBGTs are persona non exsistere. For those not familiar with Latin, it means that LBGTs don’t exist.

To the male who God spoke to, He declared the appointment of Umno as the chosen party to liberate the chosen land of Malaysia and to uplift the chosen race called the Malays. To maintain peace with Moses – or, in the chosen language, to maintain Musa Aman – this declaration was made in the form of a tablet.

There remains the RM40 million question for the government printers: which is the chosen tablet to use. Samsung or Apple?

To the female God spoke to, He said that Utusan Meloya has been appointed as the official mouthpiece of Umno for its sincerity. I guess no one can dispute that. Utusan Meloya has been revered by its readers for its exaggerated lies, unlike the social media, which only spits out the truth.

However, the criteria of this appointment had nothing to do with truth and lies. The criteria here is sincerity. Utusan Meloya tells lies from the heart and with all sincerity. Their nawai tu is second only to the Pharaoh who, after 22 years in power, is still trying to uplift the Malays from the soil from which they have been named after.

Maybe they should organise a roti jala party and come up with a timeframe to accomplish this worldly task.

Isn’t it wonderful that these two chosen people from the chosen state of Penang have chosen to announce to the world that God has chosen to speak to them just before GE13, the date of which the Prime Minister’s husband has chosen not to reveal?

By the way, in case you haven’t already understood the consequences to mankind living in this chosen country, by virtue of this appointment of Umno as the chosen party to liberate the chosen land of Malaysia and to uplift the chosen race of the Malays, Article 40(2)(a) of the Constitution of Malaysia is now rendered redundant. The job scope is now reduced.

Also, with the appointment as the official mouthpiece of Umno, Utusan Meloya has reason to celebrate, as it has now achieved full freedom status. It is no longer subjected to the Printing Presses and Publications Act. With its new status, Utusan Meloya is urging the government to pass a new law that will make it an offence for anyone to dispute any report it carries. Utusan Meloya believes that such an act of dispute is tantamount to questioning the sincerity of Utusan Meloya.

Now, who would dare say Utusan Meloya is not sincere, even when it lies?

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And the Lord said unto Moses

I am your Lord

And you shall call me Tuan

And you shall practice Lording

And you will call it Ketuanan

And I offer you peace

And I name you Moses Peace

For I am your Lord

Lord of all in this land

And I call it The Land Below The Wind

So go forth and tell your people

That I will make them the vicegerent

And they will live in prosperity

For you are the chosen people

And you will inherit the land

And you will rule over everything the eye can see

And I make this covenant with you

That you will obey my commandments

Or suffer my most devastating retribution

And Moses said unto the Lord

I hear you and obey you, oh Lord

But I fear my people may follow a false Prophet

This false Prophet who comes from the far north

And who is the son of Abraham

For this false Prophet has come to my people

And has promised them heaven and earth

And has led my people astray

So Moses incurred the wrath of the Lord

Do they not fear me? asked the Lord

Have they not seen the people before them suffer?

And Moses went back to his people

And he told his people what the Lord had commanded

But his people shunned the Lord’s word

So they suffered the Lord’s wrath

The Lord took away their oil

But He gave them back 5%

And other people came from across the sea

And they occupied the land of the chosen ones

And the people lived in poverty and misery

For the people did not learn

That everything comes from the Lord

And what the Lord giveth the Lord can taketh away.