The consistency of change (UPDATED with Chinese Translation)

ARCHIVES 2013

By MT Webmaster On Apr 11, 2013

Today, I oppose everything I propagated back in the 1990s. Today, I believe in sexual freedom and your right to a gay lifestyle. Today, I believe in your right to atheism and your right to turn your back on religion. Today, I no longer believe in many things I used to believe in even as recent as when I first stated Malaysia Today back in 2004.

NO HOLDS BARRED

Raja Petra Kamarudin

‘The consistency of change’ is itself an oxymoron. It is like military intelligence. Since when is killing an intelligent thing? Or new politics! The ‘struggle’ between Cain and Abel was a political thing. Hence politics is so old how can there be such a thing as new politics when politics itself is about power that resulted in humankind’s first act of murder?

But that is what I want to call my piece today — The consistency of change — mainly because if you change then you would not be perceived as consistent. And that is what I want to talk about today, that I am consistent about change. And I want to talk about that issue because of the comments posted in Malaysia Today about how inconsistent I am for having changed since pre-2008.

You may have known me only since 2007, as most of you would have. If you had known me in 1963 when I first entered MCKK you would have known a different Raja Petra Kamarudin. In 1963 I was reserved and aloof. I never spoke much and remained very silent. I never mixed and did not have any friends. I eventually left MCKK three years later because I was so lonely and unhappy and could not fit in to the all-Malay environment. I cried like a baby and begged my father to allow me to go home.

I lived in a world of my own. I walked around with a radio in my hand and slept with my headphones long before such a thing became fashionable more than 20 years later. I surrounded myself with music from The Beatles and The Rolling Stones.

That was in 1963 and I was just 13 at that time. Then, three years later, I broke out of my shell and ‘ran’ with the bad boys of the Long Fu Tong of Petaling Street. I learned how to fight and carried a knife in my pocket. I even got arrested at 17 for my gang activities.

I was never charged for any crime, though, but that woke me up. I realised I did not want to spend the rest of my life in jail. I then started dating and went steady with the girl who is now my wife, Marina. Nevertheless, Marina had to share me with my other love, my motorcycle. Marina did not like motorcycles but she knew she had to accept my motorcycle as part of her life if she wanted to be with me. And soon after that she climbed onto the back of my motorcycle and we became the terror of Kuala Lumpur.

Then, in August 1971, my father died. I was just 20 going on 21 and the world that I had known shattered. Less than two years later Marina and I got married and soon after that we got our first child, a daughter. Within a short space of two years I saw the death of my father, got married, and got a child. And, yet again, my life changed. By then, of course, I had sold off the motorcycle that I loved so much and had ‘settled down’ to what I would consider a stable life.

Soon after our daughter was born, we migrated to Kuala Terengganu and started a business. That was during the 1974 recession and life was very difficult then. Three years later, I made my first million and, yet again, my life changed. I now had only one interest in life, which can be summed up in three words — money, money, money. I just wanted to make more millions, and I did, though not necessarily the moral or legal way. I discovered the world of corruption and how you can make plenty of money by bribing your way through life.

But the euphoria of making money did not last. I suppose once you make it then it is not that enchanting any longer. I drank, I gambled, I partied — and I made even more money by ‘donating’ large sums to Umno to win huge government contracts. At least five million flowed through my hands into Umno’s coffers in exchange for RM120 million in contracts over 20 years — which I already wrote about in my 20-series episode about my journey in life not being a straight line.

Along the way I got infected with a serious case of conscience. That was in the days of Anwar Ibrahim and ABIM and the Islamic Revolution of Iran in 1979 — which I have also written about in my 20-series episode. My drinking, gambling and partying ended abruptly. I studied the Qur’an, the entire collection of Hadith Sahih Al Bukhari and the whole series of Tafsiran Al Qur’an by Haji Abdul Malik Karim Amrullah a.k.a. Hamka, who died in 1981 at age 73.

In 1981 I did my first of ten trips to Mekah to do my Haj and became a Muslim fundamentalist in love with the Islamic Revolution. I wanted the same Islamic Revolution to happen in Malaysia and for Malaysia to be turned into the Islamic Republic of Malaysia. I wanted to see the end of Western-style democracy and the English Westminster system of Parliament and for the corrupt Monarchy to be abolished.

That journey did not last as well. I soon gave up business because I could not be a successful businessman in Malaysia without also indulging in corruption. But I did not find solace in the aspirations of the Islamic Revolution either. I began to see the Revolution not as the saviour of the people but the enemy of free will. I began to hold to the ideals of free will and could no longer accept the doctrine of enforcement.

Heaven and hell may exist. Maybe even God does exist. But you should have free will as to whether to accept the existence of God and, if you do, whether you wish to choose heaven or hell as your final resting place. Free will means free will and religion denies you this free will.

In 1995, if you had asked me whether I believed in the Islamic State and the Islamic Sharia law of Hudud, I would have said yes. Those of you who have read what I wrote back then would know this, especially those DAP people who used to whack me in Sang Kancil back in the mid-1990s.

So, yes, the Raja Petra Kamarudin of today is different from the Raja Petra Kamarudin of 2004 or of 1994 or of 1984 or of 1974 or of 1964. And if you can’t accept that then that is your problem, not mine.

So stop posting comments in Malaysia Today about how I have changed. I have changed. So what? I change all the time. I have changed many times. Change is the only thing consistent about me.

Change is called hijrah. In Islam, hijrah is the most important thing. Prophet Muhammad also did his hijrah. Hijrah is so important in Islam that the Islamic calendar is called the Hijrah calendar and starts from the date of the hijrah.

And hijrah means change. You hijrah from one lifestyle to another and from one doctrine to another. And you hijrah with your conscience as your guide. And my conscience is clear. My conscience guides me as to what is right and what is wrong. And I know what is right and what is wrong. And just because you want to do the wrong thing because you think it is the right thing does not make you right and me wrong.

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不變的改變

到了今天，我是反對我在1990年間所傳播的思想的。到了今天，我是相信性自主和個人奉行同性戀生活方式的權利的。到了今天，我是不相信很多我在MT開網初期（即2004年）時所相信的東西的。

原文：Raja Petra Kamarudin
譯文：方宙

‘不變的改變’是一個充滿矛盾的詞，正如military intelligence般（即軍事情報，不過在英文裏intelligence 也含‘聰明’的意思，所以（軍方）殺人又怎能算聰明呢？）。新政治也是另一個例子；该隐和亚伯（Cain and Abel, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cain_and_Abel )的紛爭其實就是政治紛爭的一種，因爲正如政治般，他們爲了權力而鬥爭進而促成了人類史上第一宗謀殺案。所以說政治是件很老的東西，哪來的新政治呢？

無論如何，我還是想用‘不變的改變’這個矛盾詞為這篇文章的標題，因爲只要你做出改變別人就不會看你為‘一貫如常’的。而我今天想講的是，我一直是從未間斷地改變著。MT有很多留言都談到08年以后我變了很多，我今天就要和你們談談我的改變。

你們當中很多人是從2007年才開始認識我的。如果你打從1963年就認識剛進MCKK 的我，那現在你看到的將會是個完全不同的Raja Petra Kamarudin。1963 的我是很文靜且自閉的，我很少開口説話。我在3年后就因爲太孤獨和融入不了MCKK的全馬來人環境而退學，我當時哭得像嬰兒般地哀求我父親帶我回家。

我生活在我自己的小天地裏，我整天拿著個錄音機到處溜達而且還會帶著耳機睡覺（帶著耳機睡覺是在離當時20年后才流行起來的）。1963年時我還是個謎上The Beatles 和The Rolling Stones的13嵗小伙，但就在3年后我就沖出我的‘斯文外殼’和茨厂街龍虎堂的小混混們混在一塊。我開始學習打架，而且我會隨身帶刀。我甚至還在17嵗那年因私會黨活動而進監牢。

雖然當時我並沒有入罪，但那次經驗把我打醒了。我知道我不要在監獄裏度過一生。爾後，我開始和我現在的妻子瑪麗娜 Marina交往。當時瑪麗娜很討厭摩多車，但她知道如果他要和我在一起的話她必須得和我的‘第二老婆’—-摩多車—-共存。她過後終于上了我摩多車的后座，和我一起成爲了吉隆坡馬路上的飈車族。

1971年8月，我的父親過世。我當時才20嵗，我發現我所知道的世界都破碎了。兩年后，我和瑪麗娜並生下我們的第一個女兒。在短短的兩年裏，我經過了亡父、結婚、生子等大事，但我生命的改變並沒有停下。我當時當然已經把我心愛的摩多車給賣掉，然後想過個安穩的生活。

我在我女兒出生后就搬到瓜拉登嘉樓生活。當時正好是1974年經濟低迷，生活艱苦的時候。但在3年以後，我賺了我第一個1百萬，我的人生又再改變了。我當時眼裏只有3個字：錢，錢，錢。我只想賺到第二個1百萬，而我做到了，當然我的手法也許並不是太正當。我發現了貪污的世界，在裏面只要你給錢賄賂你就會賺到更多錢。

但是賺錢帶來的快感是很難持久的，我想儅你真的賺到錢以後，它其實看起來並不是那麽的迷人。我開始喝酒，賭博，辦派對。而我也通過‘捐款’給巫統來取得政府合同，進而賺取更多錢。在往後20年其間我至少把5百萬放進了巫統的庫房裏來換取1億2千萬的合同。這些都是我之前在‘ my journey in life not being a straight line’系列裏寫過的。

在這期間，我的良心開始受到譴責，尤其是1979年伊朗回教革命和遇到安華和ABIM后。我開始戒賭戒酒，開始鑽研可蘭經。我把整套布哈里聖訓Hadith Sahih Al Bukhari 給讀完，也把 Haji Abdul Malik Karim Amrullah a.k.a. Hamka 所註釋的可蘭經給看完。（Hamka在1981 以73嵗高齡去世）

1981年，我去了我人生10次麥加朝聖之旅的第一次朝聖之旅。我變成了伊斯蘭原教旨主義者和回教革命的忠實擁護者。我想把回教革命帶來馬來西亞，要把馬來西亞變成一個伊斯蘭共和國。我要看到西方民主的結束，英國西敏寺式國會的沒落，和腐敗帝制的終結。

那個旅程也沒有持久。往後我也很快的放棄了我的生意，因爲不通過賄賂我沒法再馬來西亞做生意。與此同時，我在回教革命理念裏找不到慰藉，我開始看到這個革命並不是人民的救贖而是自由意志的敵人。我開始擁護自由意志這個理念而摒棄鉗制主意。

天堂和地獄有可能是真的，上帝也有可能是真的。但接不接受上帝的存在應該是你的自由。如果你接受上帝的存在，那選擇天堂或地獄也是你的自由。自由就是自由，而宗教會否認你這個自由。

如果你在1995年問我是否應該落實回教法，我會回答‘是’。你們如果有人讀到我當時寫的文章，你們應該是很清楚的。尤其是行動黨，當年他們曾在政治網站Sang Kancil（http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/M._G._G._Pillai）裏干屌過我呢。

今天的 Raja Petra Kamarudin 是和2004年、1994年、84年、74年、64年的Raja Petra Kamarudin 大所不同的。如果你接受不了的話那是你的問題，不是我的問題。

所以請別再MT上留言說我怎麽怎麽改變了。我是改了，然後呢？我一直在改變，我多次地改變，改變是我唯一沒改過的東西。

在回教裏，改變稱爲‘Hijrah’（在馬來文裏Hijrah也代表先知穆罕默德到麦地那的迁移）。Hijrah 在回教是很重要的。先知穆罕默德也曾作出他的Hijrah。Hijrah是重要到連穆斯林也要把他們的日曆稱爲Hijrah日曆，而日曆的第一天就是先知穆罕默德迁移的第一天。

Hijrah是改變的意思。你從一個生活方式Hijrah到另一個，你也從一個主義Hijrah到另一個，而你的Hijrah是由你的良心所主導的。我的良知是很清晰的，它主導我什麽是對什麽是錯，所以我知道什麽是對什麽是錯。就因爲你做了你認爲是對的錯事並不代表你是對的而我是錯的。