Welcome to Malaysia Announcement for incoming flights (Satire)
Perhaps it should be more appropriate to go along these lines:
Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, we will be landing shortly. For those of you coming to Malaysia for the first time, kindly be advised that:
1) If you are bringing in dangerous drugs or firearms, you may be prosecuted and if convicted face the penalty of death by hanging. However, please bear in mind that if that were indeed the case, there is also a possibility that you may die of heart failure, asthma, pneumonia or self inflicted injuries pending your execution whilst enjoying our hospitality in detention. In that case, you need not fear hanging.
2) All foreigners will be required to have their fingerprints taken upon arrival at the immigration desk. If the scanning devices are inoperable for any reason, we will take your thumbprints with ink. To help save the environment, tissue paper is not provided to wipe off the ink. However, since our inks are edible and halal you can safely suck your thumb to clear all remnants.
3) Malaysia is well known for its gastronomic delights. As such, if you find yourself in an eatery where seats are full, you may use the shower rooms or toilets to enjoy our culinary delights. We do that in our primary schools too.
4) Upon checking into your hotel rooms, you will see a guidebook from our very own Prof Ridhuan Tee in which he very kindly shares his expertise and advice on how to consume your meals in the en suite toilet – as he has reportedly done whilst travelling around the country giving his motivational lectures. He shares some great ideas on how to wash your face using the bidets too.
5) Your baggage may be opened by our efficient ground staff to check on any prohibited goods being brought in. This is in case our sniffer dogs get wet in the rain and consequently, defile your luggage when sniffing around. We do not want to have them (the dogs) put down on account of this.
6) Malaysia is a paradise for shopping. Our very own Petaling Street is a must visit for those intent on getting a bagful of the ‘genuine imitations’ freely on sale. As most of the foreigners in Petaling Sreet are actually the vendors, you will find yourself quite at home.
7) If you are here on a business visa, kindly note the local sensitivities on the giving of gratuities. It is an offence for a gratuity to be demanded but conversely, it is regarded as a heavenly blessing and kosher if given out of your own volition.
