Selangor Crisis: Meet the Puppets
Azmin’s ascent was a calculated progression, effected by a Ruler who probably portended dysphoric enmity within PKR’s inner circles.
Raggie Jessy and Ah Lis
“You must not fight too often with one enemy, or you will teach him all your art of war.” Those were the words of Napoleon Bonaparte, who, if alive, would probably have told Anwar to shove a stick in it.
Foolhardiness got the better of Anwar, who seems keen as mustard to gain control of Selangor’s coffers. And he’s eager to clamour on, even if it means the downfall of PKR. It’s a king’s ransom out there, and he isn’t anywhere near the driver’s seat. Now, that’s the tip to a problematic iceberg that sends chills up Anwar’s spine every time he chews over Azmin.
In the thicket, Azizah, who did a one-eighty by sanctioning Azmin’s anointment as Menteri Besar, hadn’t rationed enough mass-market stocks to wangle her way into the Palace. And neither did she have a say, nor was the Ruler spoilt for choice when it came to appointing an MB. It simply boiled down to ‘anything-but-Anwar-or-his-rogue-henchmen’, which included his dear wife, the leapfrog Datin.
But you know, it never pays to play leapfrog with a unicorn, particularly, one named Azmin. That is, if you’re a man. So Anwar ushered in Azizah to take Azmin by his horns…I mean, horn. And see where that got her…
Even if PKR assemblymen dug deep into whatever little that’s left of their conscience, they wouldn’t find it in them to agree on Azmin’s appointment. Forget the ostensible candour or tacit tributes that followed the swearing in. Azmin’s sudden ascendance up Selangor’s political stratum, long overdue by his standards, was no chance-medley. No. The Ruler has Azmin precisely where he wants him to be. And Azmin is where he is, simply because he’s Azmin.
Let me put it to you this way; if two political imbeciles lived high on the hog while spending money like it was going out of style, one would eventually creep up, heaving sighs down the other’s neck. That said, neither can Anwar strike Azmin out from his radars, nor can Azmin ever rule the roost without having Anwar bitching by his side.
Be that as it may, theirs are not the hands that will rock Selangor. No. The Ruler has abstracted his blueprints on Selangor, tucked safely in a crib His Royal Highness periodically tugs while driving Anwar off his rocker.
That’s right. The Sultan is well in control, simply because he’s the Sultan. Azmin’s ascent was a calculated progression, effected by a Ruler who probably portended dysphoric enmity within PKR’s inner circles. Anwar may have the perspicacity in fending off adversities brought forth by UMNO, having sniffed around their political canonry in his heyday. But he never was at daggers drawn with the Monarchy, which explains why he bungled up all the way, much to his chagrin. He’s dropped bricks, simply because, he’s Anwar.
And while we’re treated with the pomp and splendour of role-play in Selangor, it pays to note, that though Anwar fought too often with UMNO, it was the Palace that caught on to his art of war. Napoleon was half right as far as Anwar goes, simply because, he wasn’t Anwar.
1. The Chin Cheh Puzzle
Did Azmin concoct his ascendency all the way through and beyond Kajang?
No, he didn’t.
And neither did Chin Cheh. You see, while Rafizi got caught with his pants down over Kajang, they (Anwar’s inner circles, probably) ushered in Lee Chin Cheh, who came forth delivering a bed even he couldn’t lie straight in. They’re now saying that Azmin was Hobson’s choice from the day Azizah cried Kajang. It seems that the comedy of errors never ends with PKR.
Chin Cheh has me in stitches every time I think Kajang. You see, there is a saying that goes like this: “The only thing straight about a Chinaman is his hair.” Now, I didn’t say it, and neither did the butler. But apparently, someone or other did well before Tunku promulgated independence. And Anwar felt the need for Chin Cheh to come out of the closet crying Azmin.
On the face of it, Chin Cheh seems to sport reasonably straight hair while prevaricating over just about every detail concerning Kajang. Why, some liars prevaricate even in their deathbeds. Perchance, it’s the bed Chin Cheh couldn’t lie straight in. And quite possibly, Chin Cheh is just that Chinaman whose hair seemed straight while he shat truckloads of bull that had Azizah’s backyard stockpiled for the crap she delivered in the lead up to Azmin’s anointment.
Following his abdication from office, Chin Cheh blew kisses at Anwar. He claimed to have voluntarily vacated his seat ‘for the sake of the party’. No, he couldn’t have thrown his weight behind Anwar, simply because he was a political cipher; one who was nobody, per se. But it’s an ill wind that blows nobody good; I’m pretty sure that some chicanery was at play. After all, every man has his price, doesn’t he? Now, had Chin Cheh thrown his weight behind Anwar literally, we’d have painted the town red, all the way up to Kajang Hospital.
Following Anwar’s conviction, Chin Cheh adverted to Azizah, going gaga on PKR’s first puppet. Come to think of it, a man who would go so far as to mock the intellect of an electorate would never scruple to waver in his allegiance for anyone. But truth be told, Chin Cheh never really wavered; he simply conformed to a bunch of strings that manoeuvred his every move, straight from Anwar’s coterie. That is to say, Chin Cheh became PKR’s second puppet.
And when the Palace turned Azizah down repeatedly, Chin Cheh ditched the ‘remote controlled puppet’ for Azmin, the thorn that stood up Khalid’s ass since 2008. Apparently, it was the remote control that turned Chin Cheh from Disney to HBO, right down to Zee, where he began salutations from tree to tree in typical bollywood fashion, striving to stick out like a sore thumb from PKR’s political shithole.
Now, that pretty much sums up Kajang’s straight haired Chinaman, who once claimed to have thrashed out his decisions with Rafizi, excluding discussions on ‘the Azmin-Khalid thing’. So apparently, Azmin was never Kajang’s premium then. Yet today, Chin Cheh claims Azmin to have been the prized cup all along. From the load of crap spewing through Chin Cheh’s lips, it seems that the ‘Kajang move’ was really, the ‘Chin Cheh puzzle’.
And Chin Cheh did all this, simply because, he is Chin Cheh.
2. The Azmin Move
Enter Azmin, the ill-starred victim of circumstance who got the boot from PKNS. At least, that is what PKR oracles would have you cashing in on.
Anwar’s protégé apparent since his UMNO trotting days, Azmin was all piqued when his mentor whipped up a bowlful for Khalid in 2008. Thence began a fantastic roller-coaster ride through the annals of PKNS, with Azmin jostled against Khalid at just about every juncture. It was an ever wondrous journey, one distinguished by a trail of bricks left all over. Now, ‘Khalid and the PKNS Fiasco’ was about to be my title for that book, but let me stretch the mile on this, just a little further.
While Azmin took 2008 to his stride with a pinch of bubble gum, Anwar’s 2013 treat for Khalid had Azmin blowing bubbles all over the MB’s desk. It was a tad too much for him to stomach, as he turned green with envy while shooting daggers at both Azizah and Anwar. In the process, he sang ‘nepotism’ with euphonic renditions that harmonized with John Lenon’s ‘Dreams’. That’s right; Azmin’s moral cognition was caught in a snare somewhere between Kajang and cloud nine. Anwar’s whipping boy had begrudged Khalid his rank long enough, to have done an Anwar on the 9th of May, 2013.
That is to say, he did just what Anwar did to Mahathir in 1998. Back then, the former Deputy Premier attempted to sell Mahathir down the river as he got his henchmen riled up over purported cultures of nepotism within UMNO, the very culture Anwar is seen fostering in PKR today. Almost with an epiphany, Azmin had a go along those lines, pointing his guns at PKR while excoriating canons to PKR’s precept of righteousness. Now, though he failed to mention Anwar, anybody with an IQ just over 20 could probably figure this one out by the time this comedy of an article comes to an end.
Meanwhile, Anwar diffused the antagonism by hurling candies to Azmin. We’re not sure what kind, when or how, but Azmin was so suddenly seen toeing the line with his newfound nemesis, Khalid. A purported financial scandal and the King’s burgeoning ransom was enough for Anwar to beguile his protégé apparent into subdual, while Azmin probably went ahead and planned his ouster from PKNS.
That’s right. His ouster was yet another episode straight out from your typical bollywood blockbuster, where the unsuspecting scapegoat (Khalid) remains tight-lipped for fear of being relegated a liar. Azmin was unflinching and inexorable with his mission to render Khalid a political dud, almost as if pursuant to biblical vocations.
But Azmin, who was once caught bitching on Khalid’s candidacy, was fast to learn. He so suddenly shed political baggage to squeeze him into that woolly sheep outfit while inclining to articles of arbitration alongside Anwar, his shepherd. Now, who’d know better about herdsmen than Azmin? He saw through Anwar’s bluff, the day PKR’s first couple contended for Presidency against each other. And Azmin knew then, as the Ruler does now, that both he and Anwar could never tango to political rhapsodies. Anwar simply didn’t trust Azmin.
Thence Azmin became the woolly guy next door you’d not want to discuss Khalid over lamb chop. He did the math, and licked his camp into shape with a legion comprising Anwar and Azizah dissidents from within PAS and PKR. He knew of a term in reproach that resided among PAS ulamas, dead against PKR’s ‘remote controlled first puppet’. He knew that the Ruler couldn’t possibly favour a PAS MB over him, as his legion had gathered sufficient moss while he rolled from PKNS to PKR Deputy Presidency. He knew that he was heir apparent.
And Azmin knew all this, simply because, he is Azmin.
3. The Rafizi Pantomime
Rafizi, the all knowing, the self acclaimed guru of conscience…
He was all that, right up until Anwar’s conviction. He then went on to develop a chronic bout of amnesia, one that scarred his cognitive faculties for life…only where it concerned Kajang that is.
Architect to the ‘Kajang Blunder’, Rafizi has a penchant to blunder forward where no buffoon has ever blundered before. Once pressed by reporters over Kajang, he put the move down as an evasive measure of sorts, one designed in contingency to avert a hostile takeover of Selangor by Putrajaya. Now, there’s a babble that’s worth nothing more than old boot leather.
You see, there never were signs of a coup of any sort. Rafizi had the script concocted in an attempt to conjure straits of calamity. Truth be told, it probably had something to do with the prosperity Khalid had so prudently brewed up in Selangor’s cauldron since 2008, the one brimming with bucks. Well, if it wasn’t the savoury whiff of moolah that had appeased Rafizi, it must have been dementia.
Some months after, Kajang’s objective conveniently metamorphosed into an option for a people, when initially, it stood as a resolution towards Khalid’s ouster. On contraire, Kajang never was about choices; the people made theirs during GE13, with Khalid extolled for his virtues and rendered a political messiah, one who liberated Selangor from the clutches of a venal administration.
Khalid was King of Spades, the economist extraordinaire. But when he persisted on, refusing to relinquish his post, Khalid was the dried shit Anwar persistently tried to wipe off legislative rostrums in futility. Anwar almost had his people convinced that Khalid would go so far as to trade his underwear for a cup of tea, if it served his purpose. I seriously doubted that, although, I fathom the idea when it concerns Rafizi.
Now, Rafizi isn’t a Chinaman, but sports straight hair as well. When Kajang got relegated to the doldrums, Rafizi pinned the blame on PAS, who he claimed struck Anwar off their charts from the word ‘Putrajaya’. He had his conscience headed straight for the circus, clowning around with Hadi as he kept the Islamist party in the lurch over Kajang.
But when Hadi struck back with abstracted chronologies that unequivocally laid Kajang out on the platter, Rafizi developed a serious case of mutism, and played mime alongside Chin Cheh, who began clowning around him. Well, we know now just how Rafizi got his hair all straight.
It’s alive, this Kajang shit..and it has laid eggs. Rest assured, Rafizi didn’t know what he didn’t know, simply because he wasn’t Anwar, Chin Cheh, Azizah, or Azmin.
