Welcome to Malaysia

By MT Webmaster Last updated Dec 24, 2014

Welcome to Malaysia and I hope you have a good visit. For those who have decided not to visit Malaysia after all, after what I have just told you, and wish to leave on the next available flight, thank you for flying with MAS.

NO HOLDS BARRED

Raja Petra Kamarudin

Ladies and gentlemen, we shall soon be landing at the Kuala Lumpur International Airport. However, the Kuala Lumpur International Airport is actually in Selangor and not in Kuala Lumpur. Hence you will need to take a very long and expensive taxi ride into Kuala Lumpur if that is where you shall be heading.

For your information, Kuala Lumpur is the federal capital of Malaysia and was declared Federal Territory 40 years ago in 1974. Then, on 1st February 2001, Perang Besar was annexed by the then Prime Minister, Tun Dr Mahathir Mohamad, and renamed Putrajaya. Putrajaya is actually the second territory to be annexed by the federal government after the annexation of Labuan in 1984.

It was intended that Putrajaya would become the new federal capital of Malaysia although the architecture may give you the feeling you have arrived in Moscow, Russia. However, if Putrajaya were made the new federal capital of Malaysia, then the federal government would have to return Kuala Lumpur to Selangor since there cannot be two federal capitals.

So Kuala Lumpur is the official federal capital of Malaysia while Putrajaya is the administrative capital. In that sense, ladies and gentlemen, Malaysia is one of the most unique countries in the world because it has two capital cities while every other country in the world has only one. But that is not so weird considering that out of roughly 50 monarchies still existing throughout the world, ten of them live in Malaysia.

While on the subject of the monarchy, under Malaysia’s Sedition Act, it is a crime to insult the monarchy, just like it is in Thailand under its lèse-majesté law. Hence you have to be very careful about what you say regarding the monarchy just like how you would in Thailand or in one of the Middle Eastern countries.

Be warned that drug trafficking is a crime in Malaysia punishable by death upon conviction. However, you can probably pick up gossip at one of the many popular kopitiams in Malaysia about certain lawyers who are able to make deals with judges and help you escape punishment. Hence you need not be too worried about this although it will cost you quite a bit of money. So it may be better not to take the risk since you can always pick up some decent ganja on the streets anyway and need not bring any in through customs.

Also be warned that anal sex and oral sex are crimes in Malaysia, punishable up to a maximum of 20 years jail upon conviction, even anal and oral sex between husband and wife. Hence you are advised to just engage in straight sex while in Malaysia and leave the kinky stuff to when you get home again.

In certain states in Malaysia, Bibles in the National Language, Bahasa Malaysia, are banned, especially if they carry the term Allah and about two- or three-dozen other words. However, it all depends on which state you intend to visit because in East Malaysia there is no ban while in states like Penang they are still arguing the matter and have not come to any decision yet.

Just to be sure, though, it may be better you do not bring any Bibles into Malaysia as I am sure you are not coming to Malaysia to pray but to enjoy the various delights Malaysia’s night life has to offer.

Malaysia is a constitutional monarchy. That means under the Constitution Malaysia’s monarchs do have some powers, unlike the constitutional monarchies in other parts of the world where the country’s constitution removes the powers of the monarchs.

Malaysia practices the British Westminster first-past-the-post parliamentary system of government where, just like in England, the party with the lesser votes gets to rule because lesser votes gives you more seats.

There are roughly two-dozen political parties in Malaysia, notwithstanding the fact that Malaysia is a very small country with an equally small population. Hence none of the parties win enough seats to form the government and they need to form coalitions to do so. However, all the members of these two major coalitions bicker and fight and challenge one another to leave the coalition if they are not happy.

It is best to steer clear of politics if you wish to have a happy stay in Malaysia because Malaysia’s politics is so complicated that even Malaysians themselves do not understand what is going on. The golden rule in Malaysia is no discussions on sex, politics and religion.

Malaysia, just like the United States, is a country made up of immigrants. The Malays say that the Indians and Chinese are immigrants from India and China while the Indians and Chinese say that the Malays are immigrants from Indonesia. Hence the only authentic Malaysians are the aborigines who historically own the country but own almost nothing in the country, just like in Australia.

Raja Petra Kamarudin RPK