And Najib’s trial begins

The following story is a work of fiction and any similarities to persons dead, alive, or about to die, is purely coincidental 

NO HOLDS BARRED 

Raja Petra Kamarudin

Bangun!

Duduk, duduk. What is the first case today?

Yang Arif, our first case is the Pakatan Harapan Government versus Najib Razak.

Pakatan Harapan Government?

Yes, Yang Arif. Now we are no longer allowed to say ‘Government of Malaysia’. We have been instructed to say ‘Pakatan Harapan Government’.

Officially?

Yes, Yang Arif. All our letterheads, signboards, brochures and so on have been changed, even in our embassies all over the world.

Hmm…that must cost a lot of money. Can we afford it?

The Government did crowd-funding and managed to raise RM1 billion, Yang Arif.

That is very impressive. How many Malaysians donated? Must be at least ten million.

Not ten million, Yang Arif. Only ten.

Ten? And the Government managed to raise RM1 billion? How was that possible?

It was ten Chinese tycoons and each paid RM10 million.

But ten tycoons multiplied by RM10 million is only RM100 million. How come it came to RM1 billion?

Yes, that is what is amazing about the Pakatan Harapan Government, Yang Ariff.

Ah, never mind, let the sodomy trial start.

It is not a sodomy trial, Yang Arif. This is the ex-Prime Minister Najib Razak’s trial, not Prime Minister-in-waiting Anwar Ibrahim’s trial.

Not sodomy? Is it the bungalow with no swimming pool trial then?

No, Yang Arif, the AG has dropped the charges for that case?

Dropped the charges? Why?

The charges were in Bahasa Malaysia but the new AG cannot speak Bahasa Malaysia, Yang Arif. So the charges had to be dropped since the AG could not understand the charges. It would have been a miscarriage of justice to proceed with a case where the AG cannot follow what is going on.

So what case is this then?

This is the 1MDB case, Yang Arif.

Ah, the RM42 billion disappearing into thin air case.

Not quite RM42 billion, Yang Arif.

RM2.6 billion?

Also not RM2.6 billion, Yang Arif.

RM42 million?

Also not RM42 million, Yang Arif.

Then how much, dammit?

RM270, Yang Arif.

RM270?

Yes, Yang Arif. That is all that can stick. They could not find any evidence on the RM42 million, RM2.6 billion or RM42 billion.

So Najib stole just RM270?

Maybe he stole more but that’s all they can prove, Yang Arif.

He actually pocketed that RM270?

Not quite pocketed, Yang Arif.

Then what?

The RM270 was spent to buy medicine in New Zealand.

What the f… What type of case is this you are bringing to me? Are there no other cases? What about the submarine corruption case?

Actually, the submarine deal was done by Daim Zainuddin and one of Mahathir’s sons, Yang Arif.

Aiyoh! Okay, what about the RM31.5 billion Bank Negara Forex case? Can’t you charge him for that?

Najib was not involved in that case, Yang Arif. That was under Mahathir.

Even those many handbags you cannot charge Najib for them?

Cannot, Yang Arif. Najib did not buy any of them. They were all presents.

Well charge those who donated those handbags for corruption then. Cannot do that?

Cannot, Yang Arif.

Why not?

All those Chinese tycoons who donated those handbags to Najib are the Prime Minister’s cronies, Yang Arif.

So last time they were Najib’s cronies and now they are the PM’s cronies, is that what you are saying?

No, Yang Arif, they were always the PM’s cronies from the beginning ever since the time he first became PM 37 years ago.

So you are telling me it was the PM’s cronies who donated all those handbags to Najib?

Yes, and the jewellery, too, Yang Arif.

Fook. I tell you what, let’s just drop this whole case and go for lunch.

Yes, Yang Arif.